My perfectionism shows up in how I’m perceived by others. I put on the good face, kind, patient, easy going, happy. What I think people want to see. I have found I can tolerate being perfect for about an hour, then my ability to hold the facade starts to crumble and my true self shows up. She’s sometimes impatient, rude, or some other perceived bad quality. I’m learning to do up just as I am more regularly, authentically happy, annoyed, afraid, etc.
oh lara, it’s not that i don’t have clutter it’s just do an excellent job disguising it because i don’t want anyone else to see it ~ when john moved in my complicated relationship w minimalism was exposed!!
thanks caitlin ~ i know you’ve been privileged to my madness first hand…
here’s another little quirk i shall confess to:
i always make my bed. always. no matter what. except there was one time i didn’t and i was sure that if i was killed in a car accident that day, someone would walk into my house, see the rumpled bed and think “well of course, what did she expect would happen.”
instead of realizing the ridiculousness of said statement, i enlisted a friend to say at my funeral, “sarah was the kind of person who always made her bed” if the above mentioned actually happened.
Love essay. I am far from a perfectionist. My checkbook attests to that. Yet, a certain sense of order is important to me. I’d love to discuss this further (and will certainly keep thinking about it) but I’m on my way to the bank because I can’t figure out how to pay my visa bill on line. I’m married to someone who is much more of a perfectionist but as a wise therapist asked me, “would you want to be operated on by a doctor who wasn’t a perfectionist?” and that helped me reframe a behavior that was driving me nuts. Thank you for this vivid description of coping with living with someone who occasionally tries to reorder my life without being asked to do so. Going on 55 years of tolerating each other’s annoying behavior.
thanks Marjorie and yes, i’d love to continue this conversation.
if i had to point to what’s most distressing about my behavior is my obsession w surface perfect, and often ignoring what lies beneath…although i’m perfectly willing to own up to being a hot mess, god forbid i let my house (or myself) look that way.
i think there is something about being an actual maker and curator of visual art because there are times when the way things appear (or installed or arranged/sequenced) really does matter…in that arena my eye really has served me well.
but when anything becomes to extreme it becomes a detriment and suddenly what was once your strength has become your weakness.
That is an amazing story about the wrapping paper. No, in and of itself I don’t think it’s awful to aesthetically want things a certain way (I mean I don’t expect my partner to angle the tissue box 🤪) but I know I can take it too far. That’s the piece I’m trying to work on ~ I need to honor the choices of others in some capacity.
And, I need to look at when my desire to make things appear perfect is an excuse.
I’m 💯 always a work in progress, but I’m also teachable. At least I hope so.
Thank you for this Sarah! I can identify with so much of what you experience, and am fascinated by the different approaches others take, especially when it comes to partners and children! I think for me order and organizing was/is definitely a way of feeling that I have some degree of control over my life (which of course is a mirage, but there we are regardless). And I do love a made bed every day! 💜
I’m always reassured to know I’m not alone ~ I think I’m really trying to observe and understand how my perfectionism does and doesn’t serve me.
Making my bed is a good thing ~ wanting someone to speak at my funeral just in case I happen to die the one day I don’t? That’s when I’ve taken it too far:
when I inflict what I assume to be “right” on others…and when I believe if others could just do things “my way” everything would be ok…and all the more so when I have my own messes to sort through and rather than do so, I just shut the cupboard door…
it begins with the awareness and the trust of “progress not perfection”
I think it's genetic. Just how some of us are wired. Some prefer to live in what to me is scattered chaos, while others prefer the corners lined up. I'm like you on the latter, and I just laugh at myself as I tug and shift stuff into place. Every day. The reason I think it's genetic is because I have five siblings and nieces and nephews and knew my two grandmothers. The Irish grandmother lived in chaotically organized apartments. The Danish grandmother had everything in place, and when she died after a long life, all items remained perfect despite long use. Of the six of us in my family, three of my sisters prefer vast scattered collections they don't want touched. One brother and I want everything in place. But the clincher for me was when one of those "messy" sisters had a baby. At the child's second or third birthday, as she opened mounds of gifts, she insisted on first folding the wrapping paper and ribbon before she'd open the next present. See? She was born that way! I am powerless over my need for neatness, but it doesn't make my life unmanageable, so I'm sticking to it! Thanks for sharing.
oh my gosh, i would love to see a toddler fold their wrapping paper ~ thank you for sharing!!! i’m sure nature/nurture definitely comes into play with how we keep our homes, and sometime how we are kept by our homes, too.
lots to ponder and i’m appreciate reading the perspectives of others 💛
Dollhouses as a gateway drug--what a revelation!
And yes, as always, I can relate.
Beautiful essay.
My perfectionism shows up in how I’m perceived by others. I put on the good face, kind, patient, easy going, happy. What I think people want to see. I have found I can tolerate being perfect for about an hour, then my ability to hold the facade starts to crumble and my true self shows up. She’s sometimes impatient, rude, or some other perceived bad quality. I’m learning to do up just as I am more regularly, authentically happy, annoyed, afraid, etc.
I love this! I have the opposite dilemma. Everything cluttered and piled. But you've made me think about why this is so. Thanks, Sarah. xo
oh lara, it’s not that i don’t have clutter it’s just do an excellent job disguising it because i don’t want anyone else to see it ~ when john moved in my complicated relationship w minimalism was exposed!!
Ah! I'd like lessons in minimalism, please!
Spend a few months on Monhegan and you get a whole new perspective on what it is you really need…
Sign me up!
Really interesting post - I can relate to much of it. Always an intriguing read.
thanks caitlin ~ i know you’ve been privileged to my madness first hand…
here’s another little quirk i shall confess to:
i always make my bed. always. no matter what. except there was one time i didn’t and i was sure that if i was killed in a car accident that day, someone would walk into my house, see the rumpled bed and think “well of course, what did she expect would happen.”
instead of realizing the ridiculousness of said statement, i enlisted a friend to say at my funeral, “sarah was the kind of person who always made her bed” if the above mentioned actually happened.
😂😂
shall we take the imperfection class together? it’s just 5 days of morning affirmations/lessons….i think
Love essay. I am far from a perfectionist. My checkbook attests to that. Yet, a certain sense of order is important to me. I’d love to discuss this further (and will certainly keep thinking about it) but I’m on my way to the bank because I can’t figure out how to pay my visa bill on line. I’m married to someone who is much more of a perfectionist but as a wise therapist asked me, “would you want to be operated on by a doctor who wasn’t a perfectionist?” and that helped me reframe a behavior that was driving me nuts. Thank you for this vivid description of coping with living with someone who occasionally tries to reorder my life without being asked to do so. Going on 55 years of tolerating each other’s annoying behavior.
thanks Marjorie and yes, i’d love to continue this conversation.
if i had to point to what’s most distressing about my behavior is my obsession w surface perfect, and often ignoring what lies beneath…although i’m perfectly willing to own up to being a hot mess, god forbid i let my house (or myself) look that way.
i think there is something about being an actual maker and curator of visual art because there are times when the way things appear (or installed or arranged/sequenced) really does matter…in that arena my eye really has served me well.
but when anything becomes to extreme it becomes a detriment and suddenly what was once your strength has become your weakness.
i can SO relate to this too…people pleasing and trying to look perfect/be perfect are scary sisters.
learning how to show up as we are really is the practice…but it is 💯 a practice, day by day ♥️
That is an amazing story about the wrapping paper. No, in and of itself I don’t think it’s awful to aesthetically want things a certain way (I mean I don’t expect my partner to angle the tissue box 🤪) but I know I can take it too far. That’s the piece I’m trying to work on ~ I need to honor the choices of others in some capacity.
And, I need to look at when my desire to make things appear perfect is an excuse.
I’m 💯 always a work in progress, but I’m also teachable. At least I hope so.
Thank you for this Sarah! I can identify with so much of what you experience, and am fascinated by the different approaches others take, especially when it comes to partners and children! I think for me order and organizing was/is definitely a way of feeling that I have some degree of control over my life (which of course is a mirage, but there we are regardless). And I do love a made bed every day! 💜
I’m always reassured to know I’m not alone ~ I think I’m really trying to observe and understand how my perfectionism does and doesn’t serve me.
Making my bed is a good thing ~ wanting someone to speak at my funeral just in case I happen to die the one day I don’t? That’s when I’ve taken it too far:
when I inflict what I assume to be “right” on others…and when I believe if others could just do things “my way” everything would be ok…and all the more so when I have my own messes to sort through and rather than do so, I just shut the cupboard door…
it begins with the awareness and the trust of “progress not perfection”
thanks Martha!
I think it's genetic. Just how some of us are wired. Some prefer to live in what to me is scattered chaos, while others prefer the corners lined up. I'm like you on the latter, and I just laugh at myself as I tug and shift stuff into place. Every day. The reason I think it's genetic is because I have five siblings and nieces and nephews and knew my two grandmothers. The Irish grandmother lived in chaotically organized apartments. The Danish grandmother had everything in place, and when she died after a long life, all items remained perfect despite long use. Of the six of us in my family, three of my sisters prefer vast scattered collections they don't want touched. One brother and I want everything in place. But the clincher for me was when one of those "messy" sisters had a baby. At the child's second or third birthday, as she opened mounds of gifts, she insisted on first folding the wrapping paper and ribbon before she'd open the next present. See? She was born that way! I am powerless over my need for neatness, but it doesn't make my life unmanageable, so I'm sticking to it! Thanks for sharing.
oh my gosh, i would love to see a toddler fold their wrapping paper ~ thank you for sharing!!! i’m sure nature/nurture definitely comes into play with how we keep our homes, and sometime how we are kept by our homes, too.
lots to ponder and i’m appreciate reading the perspectives of others 💛